How couples answer one question indicates whether they communicate well about money, Cornell research finds

Couples who say they think their financial problems are permanent are more likely to assume they have no solution, according to Cornell research.

Partners may feel they have fundamental differences in how they think about money, and therefore it’s not worth having a conversation where there is no solution, Garbinsky said.

Instead, if the couple sees their issues as solvable and can reflect on times when they were previously able to reach a compromise with their partner, they are likely to be more willing to talk about money. the research found.

Unfortunately, most couples tend to view their financial problems as permanent, and therefore avoid talking about financial matters, Garbinsky said.

Avoidance of communication can also contribute to financial infidelity, where one partner will withhold or hide financial information from their partner. The instinct to hide information can also be a strategy to avoid a fight, Garbinsky said.

Over time, a lack of communication—whether it’s simple avoidance or financial infidelity—can damage a relationship.

“If you’re not talking and if you hide things from your partner, that has negative effects on the quality of your relationship over time,” Garbinsky said.

To overcome a money impasse in a relationship, it helps to first acknowledge that it’s human, said Jude Boudreaux, a certified financial planner who is a partner and senior financial planner with the Planning Center in New Orleans.

Often people develop a way of approaching money based on their past and what makes them feel most comfortable, said Boudreaux, who is also a member of CNBC’s FA Council. For example, growing up without a lot of money can make someone want to have a large savings cushion as an adult.

But rarely do savers marry other savers or spenders marry other spenders, Boudreaux said.

To begin to unpack financial conflict, it helps to step back and talk about the money memories each partner has and how that shapes their feelings about money now, he said.

It also helps to frame potential decisions in a way that helps each partner feel at ease, Boudreaux said. This includes asking questions such as, “What are the ways you would feel most comfortable if we were to make these decisions?” and “What will it take for you to feel heard going into this conversation, and then be able to feel trust coming out of it?”

After years of mediating these types of conversations for couples, Boudreaux said it’s important to go in with an optimistic approach. While one partner may take steps to be more conservative, the other may agree to be a little more aggressive.

“There’s often a middle ground,” Boudreaux said.